Being yesterday was Father’s Day, Neil and I ventured out to visit both sets of parents.
You never know what to expect with my family. It’s so dysfunctional, conversations can turn on a dime.
During dinner last night, the Tin Man (going forward, to avoid actual names and potential embarrassment, my sisters will be known as The Scarecrow, The Tin Man, and The Cowardly Lion) mentions a discovery she made shortly after arriving back in the States..
Me: “The Dentist-Waiter?”
My mom: “Stop. Just stop. Don’t ask. Don’t get him going.”
Tin Man: “Yeah, I found his notes.”
Me: “What do you mean, notes? ”
Tin Man: “Well, they weren’t exactly full sentences, but I was able to get the idea.” I imagine the Scarecrow and Tin Man snooping around and discovering something like this:
My mom: “Oh my god. Just stop. You don’t want to ask questions.”
Me: “So you’re telling me dad wrote a play called, The Dentist-Waiter?”
My dad finally decides to interject (keep in mind he’s about 8 beers in, as per usual).
Dad: “Have you ever watched Seinfeld?”
I think to myself, “No. Don’t you remember when you put me in cryostasis for all of the 1990’s?”
Me: “Of course I know Seinfeld. Situational comedy. I get it. Did you start watching Curb Your Enthusiasm reruns or something?”
Dad: “No. You know… you always have an appointment when you go to the dentist, but have to wait. It’s like being in a restaurant and having reservations, but you don’t get seated until 20 minutes after the time your reservation was for.”
He then proceeds to quote “one-liners” from his “play,” and describes the receptionist’s dissatisfaction with the unruly patients.
Me: “So the dentist and the waiter are two different people?”
Neil: “Yeah, there was an implied hyphen in there.”
Me: “Exactly, the title gave me the impression this was going to be about a dentist down on his luck who was forced to moonlight as a waiter in the evening to make ends meet.”
Dad: “No, no no…”
Mom: “I told you not to ask.”
Me: “Who’s starring as the lead role? Leonardo DiCaprio?” It’s a known fact that my dad has an unhealthy obsession with Leo. If Titanic, Catch Me If You Can, or Blood Diamond are on TV, you can bet that’s where he’s changed the channel.
Dad (a bit sheepishly): “Maybe.”
Me: “What if he’s not available?”
Dad: “Tom Hanks.”
Neil: “What about Martin Short as The Dentist Waiter”
Me: “Or Danny DeVito?”
We then proceed to discuss the lack of activity my dad’s Facebook account which the Tin Man created a couple years ago on his behalf. At the time, this infuriated my father, who has no idea how technology works and refuses to learn. When he discovered what the Tin Man had done, he threatened to throw her laptop into the bathtub, assuming that if he were able to destroy it, his “SpaceBook***” account would be gone forever.
I hope someday I get to see an episode of The Dentist Waiter.
***SpaceBook: What my dad thinks Facebook is called.