Caillou – Contributing to North American suicide one episode at a time

I left the TV on when I got in the shower yesterday morning. As I’m getting dressed and drying my hair, I overhear this incessant whining coming from the television. One of the cats must have stepped on the remote and changed the channel while I was getting clean; it’s not often I find myself watching PBS.

I emerged from the bathroom to investigate the sounds coming from the living room, and to my horror…


Before my nephew was born, I didn’t even know Caillou existed. I just always assumed Nickleback would be the most loathable product to come out of Canada.

I was wrong.

Oh, I know there are some folks who will argue with me on this one. There is plenty of toddler programming that makes me want to dunk my fingers in my coffee and stick them into an electrical socket. Care to know what it’s like to trip acid on Sesame Street? Go watch Yo Gabba Gabba. Ever wonder what prompts an individual to drive their car off a cliff? You try getting through an entire episode of Teletubbies.

Somebody needs to find an explanation as to why Dora the Explorer is a fluent bi-lingual five-year old, yet she still needs help figuring out which shape is a rectangle.

But Caillou is the only television show that has ever had me considering the purchase of a firearm.

The theme song. I can’t help it. The tune is catchy, regardless of how awful it is. I’ve even caught co-workers with kids humming the annoying melody at times. It gets stuck in your head, and you can’t run from it. Depending on how long this lasts, you may consider checking yourself into an asylum. In addition, the stupid lyrics are something that could only have been created by a group of college kids taking bong hits while eating frosting out of a can.

Let’s not forget his pitifully neglected little sister.

But the whining. The constant whining! I can’t believe parents even let their kids watch this show! I feel as though the message being sent is, if you throw enough tantrums, whine and cry, and give up on life’s simplest tasks, you get by. I once caught an episode in which Caillou loses his shit because his friends aren’t making pizzas the way he wants them made. In another, he attempts learning to play catch with a baseball and a glove. Of course, he misses the first toss and proceeds to contemplate suicide. I bet his parents consider the same when recalling the night the condom broke.

Every episode he says he’s going to “try” or “practice.” But he never actually tries anything. He just pouts and whines until his parents get involved, give him what he wants, and then he’s all happy. There’s usually a lesson at the end of the episode, but it’s overshadowed by everything else going on.

I can’t keep going. I’ve spent way too much time thinking about Caillou already this morning, and now the damn theme song is in my head. “He’s just a kid who’s four, each day he grows some more…”

Excuse me while I take the blow dryer into the bathtub with me…



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